By: Shama Kaur
Kundalini Yoga Teacher & Aquarian Trainer Health & Wellness Mentor
Over the course of my life I have been in and out of a few relationships and it truly never gets easier to readjust to the feeling of being single. That’s probably why many people jump into a relationship just when another has ended; to avoid that void – that emptiness that we feel inside – with a new distraction.
My last separation was a little over two years ago. We were together for just over a year, things were getting more real and serious and the possibility of marriage was on the table. We met each other’s families and we were part of a common community – the global community of Kundalini Yogis. We shared many common interests like hiking, dancing, and traveling.
We were both Kundalini Teachers and adhered to the yogic lifestyle; we were both vegan/vegetarian, enjoyed using the tools provided by Kundalini Yoga and meditation to help us solve problems and we often meditated together. We shared moments of ecstatic joy, you know that kind of joy where you feel your heart fluttering, cheeks blushing, and giggling at the silliest things.
We traveled to Spain, Italy, France, Morocco, Greece, and Portugal to experience the beauty of epic landscapes and cultures. The bond that we had was so contagious that just by looking at us people felt joyful too. Love was definitely in the air, a kind of love that robed us blind to the realities that were ahead of us and kept us both fascinated about the dream of having a long life together.
In those two years, I lost myself in him and he lost himself in me.
When things ended my heart was shattered. I couldn’t sleep without checking my phone a million times. I couldn’t eat for days and lost a lot of weight. I was teaching a Level 1 Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training in Palestine at the time and I remember hiding in the bathroom during breaks while I wept and my entire body shook with complete disbelief. But with 15 students in the other room waiting for the next topic, I knew I had to keep it together.
What helped me keep going was my spiritual mentor who reminded to remain conscious of my breath and to breathe so deeply into the depths of my broken heart until I could transform the pain into love.
My mentor said – “just keep your love one step ahead of pain”
That was my prayer and my practice for countless nights. To breathe into the pain and transform it to love; a love for myself and for all those who were suffering from the pain of a broken heart.
When our life takes a turn from being in a relationship to being single, it is really difficult, not only because of the pain of a broken heart but also because of the many rituals, habits and norms that we once shared with the other. The morning messages and evening good nights, the mid-day jokes and lunch time flirts, the weekend plans and post-work ‘vents’ or stories of triumphs.
When we are newly single, we forget how we once got through our day alone, without sharing the intricacies of our day with anyone else. It takes a little time for our brain to readjust and remember who we were before and how we brought joy to ourselves each day.
After around nine months of being separated, I still felt lonely sometimes and my mind drifted into the distant memories of the past. But one day, on my daily sunset walk in the park, something hit me that said –
“Wait shama, look around you, nothing is a coincidence, you have an opportunity here, an opportunity to master the emptiness, to master the void, something that terrifies most women” …
And that was the beginning of my healing journey. I imagined that I was a Shamanic Healer in the mountains of Peru with no one around me except the birds, trees, oceans and seas. I paid attention to earth beneath my feet, the leaves falling off trees, the birds chirping and the tree branches dancing in the wind.
I spent moments in absolute stillness in the darkness of night listening to the sound of my heart beat and mentally chanting “God and me, me and God are One”. I trained myself to get really comfortable with the art of being still and called upon the forces of the Great Mother, the saints and angels to be my side and I felt their presence all around me.
Healing was on its way and it reminded me of the artist deep within. I enrolled into some art classes and began painting again. I read books that inspired me to dance. I wrote poetry that released my anger and sadness. I drew together women in circle gatherings where we shared openly about love and relationships and stood by one another to listen and heal.
Now it’s almost two years since my separation and my life is filled with so much abundance and joy. I cherish the time to do all the things that make me happy, the time I have to teach and mentor my students, the time I have to play with my 1 1/2 year old niece and support my sister with her new born, the time I have to pray, dance, paint, meditate and bring women together from all ages to talk, share and heal.
One of the perks of being single is that we do not need to negotiate with anyone else about how to spend the precious moments of the day. We are like artists who can envision how our day will look like and create it by inviting others into the picture. We do not need to compromise or let go of things we wish for if another person is not interested. Instead, we can choose to build new relationships with those who share our own interests.
We have an opportunity to learn, grow and transform, like a caterpillar that grows into a butterfly without anything holding us back. We are free to explore, discover and learn more about ourselves than we ever did. We become the priority and nurture ourselves with loving-kindness, self- care rituals and attention to our inner self.
It is only from this place that a new healthy relationship can be born. It is when we feel whole, complete and fulfilled do we begin to vibrate out into the cosmos and if it’s written in our destiny that soul may tune into our vibration and walk towards us without our knowing. We feel a deep trust of the Creator that we will never be forgotten, that we are worthy of great things, that we are never alone and that life is fulfilled by our existence.
When we feel abundance in love, we begin to expand outwards to help those who are less fortunate. We put our love into service of those who are ill, in poverty or of dire need. Our life gains more meaning as we see the impact that we make to uplift and serve the lives of others. We no longer feel lonely or alone, we feel surrounded by many and occupied by work with purpose that aligns with the destiny of our soul.